Feelings! Nothing Else But Feelings?

Keep on pursuing love... 1 Corinthians 14:1

Learning to love is not easy for some people. Those who have been hurt emotionally find it difficult not only to give love but also to receive love. They live lonely lives and wonder why others do not love them. The basic problem lies with the wrong idea what love is all about. To them, love is an emotion and so "if I don't feel it, I don't show it".

Yes, we do feel emotional when we are in love or love someone but that is not the full story. Love is also an act of the will. We don't feel loving all the time and we definitely do not depend upon our "feeling" in order to love. When a spouse says, "I don't love you any more", he or she simply means, "I don't feel the love emotion for you right now". If the angry spouse were to cool down and think carefully, he or she actually does love his or her spouse. In fact, that goes with any types of relationship - whether they are between siblings, friends and relatives, we do love and care even some times, we do not feel like it.

Pastor Dick Innes shared about his own fear to love because of a negative experience in his past. He wanted to learn how to love and confided with one of his friends who gave a very good advice, "Just do the loving things". This fantastic advice has to do with the act of the will. It means when I don't feel the love emotion, I continue to produce actions of love, concern and care in spite of how I feel.

Some may question whether this is hypocrisy - that I am not acting how I feel. The answer is that there are at least two meanings to the word "feeling" in this context. One has to do with 'emotion' and the other has to do with 'conviction'.

For example, at a certain time of the month, my wife behaves a little 'weird'. Her behavior is a little spicy and so I have to be careful. I know that it's the "woman's thing" and do I doubt her love for me in time like this? Of course not! There are times when I retreat to my cave because I am not happy about certain things that my wife does. Yes, I may need time to get over my feelings but that does not mean that I do not love her. My wife is a smart woman and she knows that it is best to allow me to hibernate in my cave without disturbing me.

What I feel at that moment does matter to me but it must not be the catalyst of quarrels and disharmony. Coming out of the cave does not mean that such feeling is gone completely. The short solitary moment just makes it easier to manage the initial feeling of unhappiness. I have learned that the best option to overcome such feeling is to continue to do the "loving things". The amazing thing is that given lots of practice, doing the "loving things" becomes second nature. Yes, you read me right... it takes lots of practice. To be honest, I am still practicing but hope to graduate soon.

Conviction is another story. When I say that "I feel that racialism is bad", I will stand by my conviction whether I have any emotional attachment to it or not. It will be hypocrisy when to some, I say, "It is not okay" and then to others I say, "It is okay".

Now it is clear that if I act kindly and lovingly even when I don't feel like it has nothing to do with hypocrisy, then is this decision of mine also my conviction? This is a choice that I have made and a decision that I will live with for the rest of my life. To reiterate, it is indeed my conviction that even though when I do not feel loving, I must continue to show actions of love and care.

Affection is a must in a love relationship and so do be affectionate. On occasions when the well of feelings becomes a little dry and showing actions of love become tedious, then it is time to seek God for more love. Wait in the presence of God and let Him soak you with His eternal love. When you come out of this encounter, you will find that it is so much easier to love both with feelings or without them. That makes the journey of life with the people you love so much more exciting and endearing. The best of it is that the people around you can see the love of Christ shinning out of your life.

Remember, God is our endless source of love.

Albert Kang

The 100/0 Principle

The 100/0 Principle

by Al Ritter

 

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It’s The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.

Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 – Determine what you can do to make the relationship work…then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
 
STEP 2 – Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 – Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don’t take the bait.

STEP 4 – Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don’t respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the “Knower” and shift to being the “Learner.” Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like “that won’t work,” “I’m right, you are wrong,” “I know it and you don’t,” “I’ll teach you,” “that’s just the way it is,” “I need to tell you what I know,” etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like “Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation,” “I could be wrong,” “I wonder if there is anything of value here,” “I wonder if…” etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here’s the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. 

Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

 

What do Angels Look Like

Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.

Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.

Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.

Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.

Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.

Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.

Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn’t think you had one.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types.

Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.

They come disguised as friends, enemies teachers, students, lovers and fools.

They don’t take life too seriously, they travel light.

They leave no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return.

They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but when you choose to see, they are everywhere you look.

So, open you eyes and count all your Angels — for you are truly blessed!

Submitted by Kay McCrary

The Deeds Undone

It isn't the thing you do, friend, 

it's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bitter heartache, 

at the setting of the sun:
The tender words unspoken, 

to letter you did not write,
The flowers you might have sent, 

are your haunting ghosts at night.

The stone you might have lifted, 

out of a dear friend's way,
The bit of heartsome counsel 

you were hurried too much to say:
The loving touch of a helping hand, 

the gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for, 

with troubles enough of your own.

These little acts of kindness, 

so easily out of mind,
These chances to be angels, 

which even mortals find.
They come in night and silence, 

each chill reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging, 

and a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, friend, 

and sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion, 

that tarries until too late.
So, it's not the things you do, 

it's the deeds you leave undone,
Which gives you a bitter heartache, 

at the setting of the sun.

- Bertha A. Lawson

The Deeds Undone

What are the things that you have left undone?

It isn't the thing you do, friend, it's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun:
The tender words unspoken, the letter you did not write,
The flowers you might have sent, are your haunting ghosts at night.

The stone you might have lifted, out of a dear friend's way,
The bit of heart-some counsel you were hurried too much to say:
The loving touch of a helping hand, the gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for, with troubles enough of your own.

These little acts of kindness, so easily out of mind,
These chances to be angels, which even mortals find.
They come in night and silence, each chill reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging, and a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, friend, and sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion, that tarries until too late.
So, it's not the things you do, it's the deeds you leave undone,
Which gives you a bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun.
- Bertha A. Lawson