Any Relationship Is All Right... As Long As It Hurts No One?

Recently, Grace and I have a conversation with one of our relatives who believes that gay marriage relationship is acceptable. Her reasoning is that it should be acceptable "as long as there is love between two persons and the marital relationship is not hurting other people... and most importantly they must be happy".

To her, morality has become a personal choice and morals are entirely relative. There is no right or wrong. Who is to decide?

Then we ask if it is acceptable for a son to marry his mother if both of them are happy about it. After all it hurts no one and they are adults. Our relative is stunned and says no. Then we ask whether it is acceptable for a father to marry his daughter or a grandfather to marry his granddaughter? After all if two adults consent happily to the relationship and it hurts no one, then it should be acceptable... no? Since there is no moral gauge, who is to decide whether these relationships are morally acceptable? She profusely disagrees as her face contorts in disgust at the thought of these types of "unusual" relationships.

The reason why she reacts is because deep down inside, she still holds to certain morals. Little does she realize that there is Someone who has decided for us what is right and wrong. The Creator God does not leave us to second-guess how we should relate and live. He has made it very clear in the Bible.

Out of the five relationships that God has established, 1) Ruler and subject; 2) Husband and wife; 3) Parent and child, 4)sibling and sibling, 5) friend and friend - Marriage is the only sacred institution reserved for a man and a woman. And among these five relationships, the husband and wife are considered as "one flesh" and they are the only pair allowed to have sexual relationship (Genesis 2:24).

The idea that "as long as the relationship does not hurt anybody, and it is acceptable between two persons" cannot hold water. It cannot apply beyond married relationship between a man and a woman. The sacred institution of such union is sanctioned by God, not only spiritually but also naturally. In the beginning it has always been Adam and Eve and never Adam and Steve.

Fear of Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness. It is like hiding the talent in a napkin and for much the same reason. “I knew thee that thou wert a hard man.” Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom he has not. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.

—C.S. Lewis (from The Four Loves)

For reflection — Matthew 25:14-30

Feelings! Nothing Else But Feelings?

Keep on pursuing love... 1 Corinthians 14:1

Learning to love is not easy for some people. Those who have been hurt emotionally find it difficult not only to give love but also to receive love. They live lonely lives and wonder why others do not love them. The basic problem lies with the wrong idea what love is all about. To them, love is an emotion and so "if I don't feel it, I don't show it".

Yes, we do feel emotional when we are in love or love someone but that is not the full story. Love is also an act of the will. We don't feel loving all the time and we definitely do not depend upon our "feeling" in order to love. When a spouse says, "I don't love you any more", he or she simply means, "I don't feel the love emotion for you right now". If the angry spouse were to cool down and think carefully, he or she actually does love his or her spouse. In fact, that goes with any types of relationship - whether they are between siblings, friends and relatives, we do love and care even some times, we do not feel like it.

Pastor Dick Innes shared about his own fear to love because of a negative experience in his past. He wanted to learn how to love and confided with one of his friends who gave a very good advice, "Just do the loving things". This fantastic advice has to do with the act of the will. It means when I don't feel the love emotion, I continue to produce actions of love, concern and care in spite of how I feel.

Some may question whether this is hypocrisy - that I am not acting how I feel. The answer is that there are at least two meanings to the word "feeling" in this context. One has to do with 'emotion' and the other has to do with 'conviction'.

For example, at a certain time of the month, my wife behaves a little 'weird'. Her behavior is a little spicy and so I have to be careful. I know that it's the "woman's thing" and do I doubt her love for me in time like this? Of course not! There are times when I retreat to my cave because I am not happy about certain things that my wife does. Yes, I may need time to get over my feelings but that does not mean that I do not love her. My wife is a smart woman and she knows that it is best to allow me to hibernate in my cave without disturbing me.

What I feel at that moment does matter to me but it must not be the catalyst of quarrels and disharmony. Coming out of the cave does not mean that such feeling is gone completely. The short solitary moment just makes it easier to manage the initial feeling of unhappiness. I have learned that the best option to overcome such feeling is to continue to do the "loving things". The amazing thing is that given lots of practice, doing the "loving things" becomes second nature. Yes, you read me right... it takes lots of practice. To be honest, I am still practicing but hope to graduate soon.

Conviction is another story. When I say that "I feel that racialism is bad", I will stand by my conviction whether I have any emotional attachment to it or not. It will be hypocrisy when to some, I say, "It is not okay" and then to others I say, "It is okay".

Now it is clear that if I act kindly and lovingly even when I don't feel like it has nothing to do with hypocrisy, then is this decision of mine also my conviction? This is a choice that I have made and a decision that I will live with for the rest of my life. To reiterate, it is indeed my conviction that even though when I do not feel loving, I must continue to show actions of love and care.

Affection is a must in a love relationship and so do be affectionate. On occasions when the well of feelings becomes a little dry and showing actions of love become tedious, then it is time to seek God for more love. Wait in the presence of God and let Him soak you with His eternal love. When you come out of this encounter, you will find that it is so much easier to love both with feelings or without them. That makes the journey of life with the people you love so much more exciting and endearing. The best of it is that the people around you can see the love of Christ shinning out of your life.

Remember, God is our endless source of love.

Albert Kang

Ten Commandments for Getting Along With People

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."¹

Relationships are truly the spice of life. When we get to the end of our life who wants to be the richest man in the cemetery? Not me, but I do want to be rich in loving relationships.

I have no idea who the author is but I have read the following commandments for getting along with people.

1. Speak to people. There is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.

2. Smile at people. It takes seventy-two muscles to frown and only fourteen to smile.

3. Call people by name. The sweetest music to anyone's ears is the sound of his or her name.

4. Be friendly and helpful. If you would have friends, be friendly.

5. Be cordial. Speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure [make sure that it is].

6. Be genuinely interested in people. You can find something interesting about every person.

7. Be generous with praise … and cautious with criticism.

8. Be considerate of the feelings of others. It will be appreciated.

9. Be thoughtful of the opinion of others. There are three sides to a conversation/argument: yours, the other person's, and the right one!

10. Be alert to give service. What you do for others is important.²

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be a friendly person and a channel for your love to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Jesus in John 13:34 (NIV).
2. Encounter magazine (Australia).

By Dick Innes

Most Important Words

Once again, let's recall those important words that help mend every strained relationship and put a smile upon the face of someone dear to you.

The six most important words
"I admit that I was wrong!"

The five most important words
"You did a great job."

The four most important words
"What do you think?"

The three most important words
"May I help?"

The two most important words
"Thank You!"

The most important word
"We."

The least important word
"I"

The 100/0 Principle

Recently, I preached about the 100/0 Principle advocated by Al Ritter. I did not just preached about it, I was applying it. Till, today, I am still struggling to die to myself and really give 100 percent to the people around me. Here is the excerpt from Al Ritter's 100/0 Principle.

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.

Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.

STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

Five Balls In Your Life

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit … and you’re keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or evenshattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for Balance in your life.
 

How?
 

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
 

Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
 

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
 

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
 

Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each together.
 

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be pave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it’s impossible to find time. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings!
 

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you are going.
 

Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
 

Don’t be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
 

Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

By Brian G. Dyson, former President and CEO, Coca-Cola Enterprises during his speech at the Georgia Tech 172nd Commencement Address Sept. 6, 1996.
Quote is originally from the book: “Suzanne’s Diary to Nicholas” by James Patterson

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

Grace with Jeanne (Australia), Coco (Singapore) and Lawrence (Malaysia)

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . . Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Godvine.com

Ask More Than Once

Mark Gungor is hilarious. You want to watch this video even though you are not in the Second Half of your game.
 Enjoy!

Have You Made a Deposit Lately?

Think of your friends and relationships as bank accounts, into which you deposit and withdraw from. If you’re the list-making kind, go ahead and indulge to your spreadsheet-loving heart’s desire. Make a list of your closest friends, and consider your last few interactions with them.

Was your last conversation or last time together helpful, supportive or impactful for them—in the way of advice, listening or troubleshooting? Count that as a deposit. Did you seek advice, need a friend to hear your point of view, or ask a favor of them? Then, you made a withdrawal from your friendship’s “value bank.”

Evaluating your friendships this way will help you realize if you’ve been taking too much from your friends and not returning the favor. Or conversely, realize that some friends may readily detract from you and rarely reciprocate. Relationships, after all, are investments of your time but well worth the reward.

source: Encouragement-wired